Friday, October 12, 2007

spilt song lyrics


You know you've done it, everyone has, misinterpreted the lyrics of a song. You've been cruising down the road with a carload of the coolest cats you run with, everyone beltin' it out at the top of their lungs, when suddenly you (or someone) sing the most absurd thing with the utmost sincerity and everyone cracks up. Here are some of the best ones I've heard in my short life.

"Don't put your love out on the pavement..."-my dear Grammur sang this instead of "Don't put your love out on me babaaaay"

"Va-cuu-ming..."-Annlies best friend Cidney sang this instead of "Rescue me..."

"Is that you baby or just a bridge in disgui-ii-ise..."- I sang this instead of "Is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise..." my friend Bill sang it "Is that you baby or just a grin in disguise..." (Brilliant Disguise by the Boss)

"Heeeenry, busted" a good friend sang this instad of "Tin roof, rusted." (Loveshack by the B52's)

"Tin roof, sundae!"-my friend Laura sang this instead of "Tin roof, rusted"(I think she was having a munchies attack...)

"Ice-ca-pades"-old friend Ginny sang that instead of "Es-ca-pade" (Janet Jackson, Escapade)

"Pudus take the wheeeeeel"-the DivineMissM (my baby Madelynn) sang this instead of "Jesus take the wheel" I think she just thought it was funny. She was sitting at her Cinderella vanity, in her Ariel costume, with hot pink spots of blush on her cheeks and the brightest shade of lavender on her eyelids using a play pizza wedge for a microphone...

Anybody out there have any spilt lyrics to offer?

funny quotes


"Who are you calling a cootie coo? You lint licker."-Orbit gum commercial about dirty mouths. I LOVE THIS COMMERCIAL.

"You mean it's a Pep Rally not a PepperRally?"-Annslie, 3 weeks before school started during our annual shopping trip with Mimi. Annslie is a 7th grade cheerleader and had just figured this out. Lord help us. Apparently the other 7th grade cheerleader thought the same thing until she finally figured it out sometime this summer.

"You know what really pisses me off about Dixie Minkins? She has never once thanked me for putting Bobby's pic in the paper. Everybody else always thanks me when their kid is in the courier but not Dixie, not once. And she won't even speak to me when she sees me in town. She won't be seeing anymore Bobby pics in my paper anytime soon."-Mimi last night at the football game as Dixie sat two rows down and two people over. I'm sure I turned beet red and wouldn't be surprised if Dixie didn't hear. Oh well.

"Nope didn't say it."-Mayor McPrick
"Bob, I was standing right next to you at the football game with Minkle when you said you were going to fire officer Goodman within the next 10 days.There were a lot of people around when you said it."-councilman Daniels
"Nope didn't say it, never happened. We'll just see who is the liar in this scenario."-Mayor McPrick
"Well Bob that's what this conversation is about in the first place."-councilman Daniels
"Bob, I'd like to ask for your resignation. You and city manager Broome are running this town like it's your own little dictatorship. There are too many things getting lost or put "on hold" or swept under the rug. We need to make a change for the good of the town."-councilman Martinez
"I'm not resigning, maybe you should resign.I was elected to this post.It was the people's will."-Mayor McPrick

"You people are acting like 5 year olds."-councilwoman Tamkins

"Bob, I'm pretty sure you'd have a tough time getting any of those 112 people to vote for you again. Not to mention the fact that you ran UNOPPOSED."-councilman Daniels
"Well, I will be running again for relection."-Mayor McPrick
"I'll make you a deal Bob. If you run for mayor, I'll run against you."-councilman Martinez

Woohoo, looks like we'll have ourselves a good ole fashioned showdown come election time...if city hall is still standing at election time! Stay tuned

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Good Morning TEXAS! How's the stinkin weather?


So mornings in our house are full speed ahead, full tilt, full throttle, etc trying to get everybody ready and out the door, with everything they need, to school on time. Except for Dad. Three kids to get ready, dogs and cats to be fed, beds to be made, etc.Once he has turned on the lights in the kids room and said "Get up." or something of the like he sits on the couch for 35 more minutes while everyone else gets busy getting ready. Then with 3 seconds until blast off, or time to leave so Annslie makes it to the bus on time, he gets up and puts his boots on and gathers the trash bags then says "We need to be going. Hurry up, it's time to go, let'sgolet'sgolet'sgo!" At which point I shoot him eye daggers because HE HAS BEEN SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE WEATHER FOR 35 MINUTES! While the rest of us have been running around and getting hair done and making sure back-packs are stuffed and papers signed and Annslie has her athletic clothes and shoes and Mad has his soccer stuff and TheDivineMissM has her dance stuff, etc. And he already has listened to the weather on the radio, and may have watched the weather before he came downstairs, and watched it before he went o bed last night. I wonder if their isn't some weird addiction to the weather channel that men succumb to at about age 30?

But not this morning. Dad didn't watch the weather because the satellite is down. Ha! But instead of contributing to the tasks at hand, helping us get out the door in a faster and more orderly way, he thinks of other stuff to do that has no baring whatsoever as to whether we get out the door on time or not. He is worrying about signing papers for cub scouts that don't even have to be signed until next week sometime, but he sends Mad on a search for the cub scout book instead of getting socks on and shoes tied. Thus setting us back at least 3 minutes. Oh wait, he did tell the girls to go back and turn their bedroom lights off...and for that I will be forever grateful.

We did get Annslie to the bus on time, and she was not the last one on, but still. Could Dad not get with program? Come on now son!

Now I'm going home to get two items that we forgot and them take them to school..

Monday, October 8, 2007

tweens are fashionistas


Oldest daughter and I were recently cleaning out her closet. Suddenly she says "You used to always by me ugly clothes." Me, mouth agape and eyes wide, slightly hurt and confused look on face, says "Like what? What did I buy you that was ugly." Annslie says "...turtlenecks..." I say "And what else." The heir apparent to Stacie and Clinton says "I don't know but definitely turtlenecks."

Whaa?!? And this is my life with tweenager. These broad rash statements which she makes leaving me to momentarily think "She has hated every article of clothing I've ever bought her, she has been suffering, then I get "turtlenecks."

Argh.

I mean, who ever said turtlenecks were meant to be supremely attractive in the first place? They're to keep you warm, they're a layering piece. Tween girls do not understand this kind of language by the way. There are not enough likes, ums, rights, huhs, or umkays, or mention of BOYS! for their brains to process the information correctly.

I should keep in mind that Annslie's primary wardrobe of choice for the past 3 years has been t-shirts and jeans, the more holes in the jeans the better. The summer wardrobe is the tiniest pair of shorts possible and a skinny skinny strappy tank top, and thus she is not allowed to leave the house like this which has caused innumerable and obscenely dramatic arguments complete with wailing and gnashing of teeth. She's 12 after all, and just because she has better body than I have possessed in my entire life does not mean she should show that body to the whole world. Her father almost passes out at the thought of what might occur should his precious baby girl leave the house in such attire. Meaning boys within the age of 12-14 might see (look at) her and think bad thoughts. She does not socialize with boys without a responsible adult present.

What's wrong with potato sacks? Why can't she like empire wasted babydoll shirts? Why can't baggy pants be in for girls? Why is everything in fashion these days obscenely tight?

Or am I just that old? I'm not sure we will all survive to make it to her high school graduation.

Friday, October 5, 2007

life at the firm


I have a boss who likes to have meetings for the sake of having meetings. I swear to God just so he can get us all in the same room at onetime and force us to be pleasant to each other for 1 hour. He gives us "agendas" with "topics of discussion," this is of course all BS. Usually he has his mind made up about what he wants done SO discussion is really pointless. If you don't watch what you say about his ideas you might have to deal with him holding a grudge for the next millennium and overly scrutinizing every action you take and every syllable you utter. Did I tell you I think he's bipolar? Well I don't know for sure but HE IS BIPOLAR. One week he is a paranoid sarcastic cynical ball of fire gremlin from hell and the next week he is riddled with narcolepsy and doesn't get any joke that comes out of any ones mouth because he is so dazed and is wandering absent minded through his childhood daydreams.

So we had a "meeting" today. The agenda stated that the topics would be office hours, work schedule, and attitude...I swear frigging hate meetings(did I already say that?). If you want to change the hours and schedule just do it. He knows what any of our schedule conflicts are and that we have been working said conflicts out for a decade because we've all been here doing the same stinkin job for that long. So just send a memo and change the hours. And the attitude part well he just wanted to make sure nobody had anything chappin' their rear...as if he wouldn't know about it already and like we would just bust out with it in front of the entire staff!! Never gonna happen. Grievances will always be aired privately and then only when the person has had an absolute buttfull and can not take one second more of the ridiculousness.

Make me drive an hour on Friday for this and THEN make me pay for my own lunch?!?! You have GOT to be kidding. Whaa? You aren't? Oh I thought I woke up in one of my old college nightmares but unfortunately this is my real life-AAAGGGHHH!

So anyway, I am so very glad it is Friday. I am going to go home and drink a couple of mojitos and watch What Not to Wear and take two Tylenol PMs and go comatose for a full eight hours.

Not really. Actually I get to go chaperone a hayride and bonfire for a group of 7th through 12th graders...this really is one of my college nightmares... pleaseletmewakeup pleaseletmewakeup pleaseletmewakeup pleaseletmewakeup please...you get the point

Did I tell you I love my job at the firm and am so blessed to have it?!?!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

In which I complain a lot


So back to the scandal concerning the mayor and our villages police force. The police force has been cut in 1/2 because the patrolman at the center of the scandal resigned. So we have only one Barney Fife left. And actually Mr. Fife does a very good job and I'm pretty sure his gun is fully loaded at all times. Apparently Fife will choose to issue tickets through the county rather than the city because the honorable Mayor McPrick has this strange habit of "losing" or "misplacing" tickets. This ties into the next tidbit of info I will be divulging...

Yesterday the justice of the peace put in her resignation because she said she couldn't handle the added stress and doesn't want to put up with all of the requisite B.S. that is now coming her way, oh and she can't stand the mayor. This seems to be an over riding common theme with residents and close associates. I talked with Stella, a friend of mine who works in the city offices, she also can't stand Mayor McPrick. I think "hypocritical, lying bigot" were her exact words. She is pondering dropping out of the community Christmas program because she is subjected to his pricknesses presence at the practices.

So with the resignation of our justice of the peace a new one will have to be appointed to office. Guess who does the appointing? You guessed it, say it with me people "Mayor McPrick!" Of course the appointment will have to be approved by the city council, but I'm sure the Mayor will get that done, or else he'll throw a big fit and try to tell everyone that really it's up to the mayor, completely disregarding any civil law on the books because of his zeppelin size ego.

The bank did not approve Jenny D. to have off the day off for an upcoming convention she and I and 40 other women we know are going to. Even though she has a vacation day she can use...I really don't get that. Maybe I have been spoiled by the firm; in 10 years I have never been denied a day off. Anyway, Jenny needs this conference as much as the rest of us, not just because it's two days with no kids or hubby, but because the convention is such an uplifting and refreshing experience. Plus it's the girls, out and about in an actual big city, with malls and restaurants and movie theaters and museums and taxis and starbucks! The stinkin' bank didn't let her off the last time she asked either. She was going with hubby to a big city OVERNIGHT WITHOUT KIDS while he did a voice over for a book that is being published this fall. Dumb stinkin bank, I knew I didn't want to work there. makes me want to withdraw all of my 30 dollars and close my checking account! That would show them...

The stupid athletic department at Annslies school is about to pluck my last nerve. First we have one home soccer game for the girls this season. 1 home game, that's it. There were supposed to be TWO but then something happened and now we are traveling to the other school twice. Next they scheduled the soccer team to participate in a tournament this weekend and informed the players about it yesterday. I still don't know where the tournament is or when it starts or when to have her to the bus Saturday morning, I'm sure it will be sometime before dawn. And by the schedule we received at the beginning of the season the football team was supposed to have an open week (it said it in big black bold print) this week but all of the sudden we have a game tomorrow! And finally just when Annslie was starting to enjoy cross country (she made a good showing this past weekend) the coach changed the practice time from mornings to afternoons, which conflicts with cheerleading practice and football games 3 out of 4 days. I threw a fit last night to hubs, he's on the school board, and told him he had the power to say something and get something done...but he just stared at me blankly so I figure I'll have to complain to someone myself. Hubs usually has the attitude "It's done and what can be done about it now?" Hello, let's do somethimg so it doesn't happen again in the future? Checks and balances, right? Sometimes hubs is way to laid back.

Don't know why it matters...

I just want to say that everyone I've ever met in my lifetime named Timothy/Tim/Timmy or Catherine/Cathy/Kathryn has been a little nuts. Seriously. They've all been borderline, or in a few cases completely, nuts. Have you ever noticed commonalities between people of the same name?

Sorry if I've offended any Tims or Katies, really I probably haven't met you and you're probably perfectly sane and normal. Just the ones I have met...cufreakinckoo.

ANother reason I need to go back on the Zoloft

There is someone out in the blogosphere I am trying to find. She lives here. We're friends. She has a blog she started in July that has gotten almost 100,000 hits since it was birthed. She won't tell me her friggin blog address because she writes stuff about what goes on in this tiny hamlet. So what? So do I. That's why I am doing this. It's one of those things that makes me crazy. Do you know how many blogs there are out there. I mean CrRrRrap there're a lot of em. I'll never find her, and if I do she'll be in disguise so i won't know it anyway...so why do I care?

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

What a tangle web we've woven...

I'm involved in something I would rather not be involved in. It's sordid, it's nasty, it's mean, it's causing innocent people pain, it's causing me stress, it's caused someone to hate me. And I can't talk about it to very many people, and the people I can talk about it to I can't talk about it completely openly. And I can't extricate myself from it. I am stuck in it. I feel guilty about it. I feel torn about it. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm involved in the custody battle of an ugly and bitter divorce. She's my former best friend. I'm not on her side, that's part of why we shoot eye daggers at each other when in the same vicinity. The other part is that about two years ago I dumped her and our friendship. I just couldn't do friendship with her anymore. I don't know if we both changed, or if I realised who she really is, or if I changed and decided to live a better life and she didn't. But I really didn't like who she had become, and I didn't trust her or beleive what she said anymore, and I really didn't want to be involved with her. Anyway, I ended the friendship after 7 years of being very close, almost like family. Neither of us have sisters, but we had each other. She had no close family nearby, so I guess I was it. We went through divorce, marriage, having babies, having marital difficulties, having a cancer scare, the death of a parent...lots of deep emotional stuff. We were tight. I know lots of secrets about her, and she knows lots of my own bones and skeltons. It was a lot to let go of. It was scarey and I was lonely for a girlfriend for a while. But I'm in a much better place now with better and more positive, stable friendships.

Anyway, Gina and I became friends when I was very new to this very small town and I was very lonely. We had children the same age. She was in a volatile marriage, I had recently extricated myself from a horrible relationship. (My oldest child is from that relationship.) Gina and I were the same age, grew up in small towns, lived in various towns throughout the state, moved far away from home, didn't finish college, and had wild girl tendencies and habits. We had lots of stories to share. We laughed a lot. We "got" each other, we clicked, we bonded. I wasn't fond of her husband Dave, he was kind of piggish and gruff and crude and vulgar, but he was funny and loved her and the little one, and he could cook and there was always beer andfriends around. He made Annslie & I welcome in his home. I was glad to be there.

Not long after Gina and I became friends, Gina began an affair with Clay. Mind you I abhor cheating, so I told her I didn't want to know anything about this daliance. There was no way I wanted to look Dave in the eye and lie. I should have walked away from the friendship at this point, but I didn't. Hindsight is 20/10.

Dave discovered the affair and decided to blame me. He thought it happened since she and I became friends and was therefore somehow my fault. The man was grasping for straws, his world was crumbling, he was looking to blame someone. He fell for Gina the moment he saw her and now his life and marriage were being ripped away against his will. He phoned me one night looking for her, thinking I was covering for her. I was all "Whatever bucko, you had marital problems way before me. But I appreciate you thinking I'm so powerful I could destroy your marriage in 6 weeks. Your wife was more miserable than you thought, your marriage was in trouble way before I came to town. I don't know where she is or who she is with." Needless to say Dave and his huge extended family didn't like me for a while and I got a bad rap throughout town because of my supposed involvement in the demise of their marriage. Gina and Dave got a divorce, she got the house and the child. Dave rented a shack of an apartment and drank and cussed even more than he had while they were married.

About a year and 2 months later Clay and Gina got married in Hawaii. This was 2 months after I married Seth in Las Vegas. I realized 2 things about Gina around this time (1)she always wanted to have something bigger and better than what I had-keepingupwiththeJones syndrome (2)she could be quite opportunistic and manipulative for her benefit.

I still kept up with the friendship. I still wanted a best girlfriend and didn't really have any other friends besides Gina. It's hard to make friends in a small town when you have gotten a bad rap for being a home wrecker, and when you are still somewhat selfcentered and immature and not willing to put yourself "out there" like I was.

Fast forward 4 years. Gina and I work in the same office and are both pregnant with our 3rd child, both girls due two months apart, mine first. Gina decided to get pregnant with her 3rd after Seth and I were presently surprised with another on the way. We now have a boy and a girl each. Our girls are the same age, our boys are the same age, our hubbies are friends. We work together. We hang out together. We take vacations together. We spend holidays and birthdays together. We paint and scrapbook and cook and shop together. I'm friends with her highschool buddies, mine are to far away for her to have met, but I wonder what they would think of her. I am really thinking they might not like her, because I have my own misgivings about her but I overlook those because I don't want to be lonely and we have a lot of fun together and our kidslove each other.

One day in Novemeber we go to a meeting and find out the companyis going to be scaling back. We all have to reinterview for jobs. I have my baby in Decemeber and reinterview when she is 2 weeks old. I am "rehired." Gina has her baby in February, reinterviews in March, and is let go in April.

So this is brings us to the point 4 1/2 years ago where Gina decided to go to nursing school, which lead ultimately to the downfall of her third rocky marriage and to the ugly divorce and custody battle which I am unfortunately involved in.

To be continued...

Monday, October 1, 2007

War of the Words


So Mimi & Popeye are newspaper tycoons; well not really tycoons but they do own a handful of small town newspapers and a darn good printing business. They work their asses of everyday trying to print a paper that is relevant and valuable and a positive addition to the community. Mimi & Popeye know their stuff. They've been at this long enough, they are like a well-oiled machine. They are proud of what they do but always striving to create a better newspaper. They don't print gossip, they don't print incorrect information. They check their facts carefully, sometimes they don't check their spelling and grammar as carefully but their facts are damn straight!

Recently we've had a little scandal in our local police department. Now mind you small towns in somewhat remote locations are a perfect breeding place for scandals because people are bored and there are not enough entertainment venues to satisfy. And you know what else lots of people are just plain dumb and don't know how to play nice. Many people think they are above the law. If a family has been here long enough and contributed enough to the local history (whether positive or negative,as long as it's entertaining...) then sometimes these locals have come to see this Maberry-like place as their own personal kingdom. Kids drive all over town at age 14 with nary a consequence. Everyone knows who the resident drug dealers are and amazingly some have been at it for decades without being caught-as long as their business isn't to big, is nonviolent, and no one is dying then it's like "Drug dealer?!?! Where?" Collared and tagged dogs roam the neighborhoods chasing walkers and bikers with no fear of being picked up by the dog catcher because as long as no one gets hurt there's no problem now is there? Kids party in town with adults present and providing the alcohol and place to party and do so for years, no one gets an MIP and the party is never busted.

Not so long ago the town hired a young cop to be the cities 2nd patrolman. To me this young man seemed to be doing a bang up job. He was enforcing curfew, slowing down traffic, and correcting irresponsible driving. I was corrected for speeding and rolling through a stop sign, I was guilty and he was right to stop me for it. Oh and when I say traffic I mean that in the loosest sense possible, 5 cars on the road is a busy spot here. But then this young cop messed with the wrong families. 1st he gave the mayor's son a ticket for having an open container of alcohol in the truck. Whoops! mad mayor and also a perfect example of how some people think they are above the law. The mayor's son is in his late 20's, he's not a baby and he knows the law as well as the rest of us. He just fails to see that it applies equally to him. The next mistake the young cop made was in spotting drug paraphernalia when serving a restraining order, then getting a search warrant to go back and look said paraphernalia, then arresting those in the residence at the time including one minor. One of the people arrested is a young man in his early 20's, out of school for quite a few years but still living at home with mommy and daddy. Well mommy & daddy got pissed, but not at their son. They went on the warpath to get the young gun fired. The mayor saw this as his chance to exact revenge on the cop.

In a recent city council meeting the practices and work habits of the young cop were to be discussed. Present at the meeting were those in support of and those wishing for the flogging of said young cop. After hearing public words on behalf of and against the cop the council decided to discuss the cop behind close doors. The cop had been studying up on official proceedings and asked for this discussion to be done is public and with him present as it was about him. The mayor denied his request and took the council into a closed door session. And now the cop, with support of the attorney general, may sue both the town and the mayor.

Well, Mimi happened to be in attendance at said council meeting and reported the facts and proceedings in an article. Oh my how the mayors' temper did flare. I think that might have been the cause of the warm spell we experienced shortly thereafter. He accused Mimi of not having her facts straight to anyone in town who would listen. Now Mimi was at the meeting, talked to the cop afterward, and talked to some city employees as well. Mimi had multiple people come into her office and tell her the mayor was flat out calling her a liar. Then one bright and sunny afternoon Mimi ran into the mayor, which isn't hard to do considering he lives just across the street. The mayor tried to tell Mimi she wouldn't be allowed to acquire or publish the lists of who was arrested in the county over the past week and that she needed to check her facts more completely. Well, as you can imagine all 5ft nothing of Mimi got plum mad. She told the mayor that arrests were public record and that he, nor anyone else, could prevent her from acquiring or publishing said arrest records (something about freedom of information and speech and matter of public record or something...) and that had her facts were lined up in rows but he just didn't like the way they looked from her vantage point! Well, next came a letter to the editor (...otherwise known as Mimi) from the mayor. The mayor once again tried to say she had her facts wrong and should have been in attendance at more council meetings because then she would have a better understanding of the proceedings...To which Mimi said "Not so much Mayor McPrick!" So along with the mayors letter to the editor that was printed in the newspaper was a REPLY from the editor. She basically told the mayor that he and his platoon of thuggy henchmen were W-R-O-N-G and that she had her facts straight and that they couldn't censor her paper or any other just cause they didn't like what was written in it. And that oh by the way you can't forbid the city employees from talking to the paper as they have been trying to do. SCORE! WAR! And don't get Mimi on a soapbox, because she won't come off of it for a very long time. Since the paper came out she has had numerous calls of support and "YOUGOGIRL!" One council member is pondering asking for the mayor and city managers resignation. We shall see what transpires.

What this shows to me is that sometimes people get tunnel vision, blinders, or loss of perspective. And it isn't just doctors who get the God complex, it's normal everyday average joes, too, who get a little power crazy. I wish natives and lifelong residents of this wonderful hamlet could understand that this is the real world, all of whose rules still apply. And that whether they like it or not, no one is above the law. Heck, seven years ago the daughter of our U.S. president got busted for a fake ID. If that doesn't say something I don't know what does. We may have the privilege of leading charmed lives in this western Maberry but we are still doing so in the real world in the U.S.A. late in the year 2007. We are all equal, accountable, and subject to the law.